my advice: don't take a single day for granted. take those small days, those laying on the couch and chatting with your family, your friend, doing nothing days and turn them into days that mean everything to you. because it can all be ripped away, quickly or slowly. take every hug, wrap it up and put it in a box so you can feel it again and again. take every word and record it in your mind so you can put it on repeat and wrap up with it and let it sing you to sleep. take every smell, bottle it, and wear it on days you feel like you can't do anything to make yourself smile.

never wish a bad thought on anyone you meet. because your bad wish can turn into someones tragedy. smile through the pain, learn to live with it, because i can promise you that you will wish for that pain when something truly awful happens.

never leave a room without saying i love you. even thinking it. never go to bed mad at someone. take every fight with a grain of salt because we are all human. we all make mistakes, and you would rather have these fights then nothing at all.

always say how you feel. always end a conversation with a smile, no matter how forced.
always have a warm feeling, no matter how buried and how surrounded by cold, stoke the fire and don't let it die. it can't die. ever.

those little things, those happy things, those weird average nutty things? hold onto them.
and those other little things? those petty, stupid, grudge-y, stubborn things? get rid of them.

i can't explain to anyone how this feels. this impending loss. this tragic story of a scared little girl, of a terrified little boy, and a heartbroken husband who are about to loose something that means the world to them. but i can tell you how it makes me feel about life. and that it short and its shitty but at the same time wonderful and beautiful and it's all we have and we should try to make the best of it. grin and bear it. stiff upper lip. don't ever wish it gone or wish for a new one. this is the hand you've been dealt.

i will cry. i will curse everything and anything around me. i will blame myself. i will hate myself for not saying things, not doing things that i should have done. times where i let myself wallow in self pity and let it affect my mood and the way i carried myself around her.

there will never be another door county.
a "just us" day.
a ride to school in the morning with a cup of coffee in tow.
a short chat that, even after the worst day, makes me laugh and feel so much better.
complaining about some bitchy girl at school and it makes me cry, some stupid funny comment she says and it makes it all go away, because who really gives a shit about that princess anyway?
made to feel like, even if i don't know what i'm talking about i am the smartest little girl in the world.
dinner together at some restaurant we both know is terrible but we laugh and shake it off and see it as a lesson.
mom, you knew i would eventually stop wearing my hair like that, so you let me do it anyway.
thank you. for letting me grow. as a girl. as a woman. and even though you aren't here with me now and you are somewhere else i have stopped clinking my fork on my plate, and touching my face with my hands, and fidgiting like you hate so much. and thank you for telling me how to appreciate people. everyone. and teaching me how to be a helping hand, a shoulder, and ear.
did you know i learned that from you?
i am trying so ahrd not to make this past tense. because its not in the past yet. she is still here and she is still my mom but she can't hold on for much longer.

mommy, its okay.
you can rest now.
just please close your eyes and go home to your daddy, sit on his lap and be his little girl again because i know he made you the happiest.
it's time.
i may cry and i may yell and hate everything, but i love you.
i trust you.
you'll know when its time. but please don't hold on for me.
i love you.
i will see you soon. in mexico then wherever you'll be. dancing to "shake your groove thing" and making you best batch of homemade chili.
love, your daughter.

all that i am, or hope to be, i owe to my angel mother.